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Daddy B and I have been separated two and a half years now but the marital problems go back years further. We finally came to the conclusion a few months ago that it was that time- time to go forward with a divorce.
At first I was beyond terrified. How could I make it on my own? Yes, he would still support the two boys but essentially I would be on my own. I was needy throughout my dating life. I felt that I needed someone to love me to feel happy with myself. I was wrong, so so wrong. In the years of separation and being on my own I learned to love myself. No matter how a man may try to love me if I couldn't love myself it was hopeless. I didn't want to be the needy/clingy girl. I wanted to be the strong, independent woman who can be content with life as it is and if a new man comes in to my life then I will be able to love him as I love myself.
I am ready to say goodbye to my past. I won't forget it but instead I plan to continue to learn from it so I hopefully don't make the same mistakes again. Do I hate him? No. We co-parent well for the most part. It's trial and error but we are making it work. Do I wish ill of him? No. I want him to be happy. We both deserve happiness because if the parents aren't happy then the children won't be happy. I will always care about him but we just no longer have the love for one another that we had. Things happened, words were said, feelings were hurt, and our marriage was damaged but we were able to salvage a friendship. I joke and tell him he will forever be my baby daddy.
I have learned a lot in the 2+ years I have lived on my own with our boys. I have forever been a people pleaser and with that I would pretty much say whatever I felt I needed to for him to be happy with me. Then after we hit rock bottom and he moved out I had my time of depression and feeling sorry for myself and the boys. I slowly grew stronger each day. I had no one to answer to, no one to have to talk ideas over with. If I wanted to do something I did it because it was my choice and I wanted to. I slowly started proving to me and those around me that I indeed could make it on my own. No I wasn't trying to prove anyone wrong I just had to prove it to myself. For so long I was wanting someone to save me but the reality was I needed to save myself.
For months I blamed myself. It was my fault that the boys only see their Dad a few days a week. It was my fault that I was alone. I couldn't be loved even by a man that promised for better and for worse. I pushed him to someone else. But now I no longer pile the burden of it being my fault on my own shoulders. We ended up where we are because of both of us, not just me. I accepted my faults and apologized to him. I no longer feel that I am not worthy of someones love. I love the woman I have become and one day maybe a guy will see the perfection in my imperfections and want to love me but if not that's ok too because I am content being on my own. I don't need a man, I want a man.
I have traveled up shit creek without a paddle and survived. I have overcome a lot, the depression all most beat me. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years. I jumped back in to the working world with seasonal work that turned in to part time work and since then I have interviewed my butt off and I have found a job that allows me take care of myself and the boys. I have a new job that is part time which still gives me a lot of time with the boys and it also offers me benefits. I know I will have insurance once the divorce is final. I'm taking care of me. I still work on my Mommy guilt. Divorced mommy guilt is like mommy guilt but on steroids. When one of the boys goes to bed crying at night because he wants Dad it burns but we work through it and I do my best to help them deal with the roller coaster of emotions life has dealt them. Sure I still have moments of the why can't anyone love me or what could I have done differently to salvage my marriage but day by day I still grow a little stronger and I know that I will be ok. I'm saying goodbye to the last 10 years of my life. I won't forget those 10 years because it has helped shape the woman I am today but it won't be the only definition of who Shanaka is.