I only recommend products I use myself and all opinions expressed here are our own. This post may contain affiliate links that at no additional cost to you, I may earn a small commission.
Many years of phone calls and broken promises locked away in my memories. Then today I got a phone call that broke the lock. He was really dead. His alcoholism and probably continued drug use finally took its toll. All the hatred and feelings I thought I had buried for my birth father came flooding back. I cried. Why would I cry for someone that had made it clear that he had no children? I've felt like Mark was dead to me for years and now he's truly gone. I feel like I didn't weep because he was gone because as far as I was concerned he was never there to begin with. I wept for the man he could have been and the father/daughter relationship we didn't get to have. I shed tears for a man that chose lies, drugs and alcohol over having a caring daughter in his life. The few photos of him shown in this post are the only ones I have of him. I guess I should be thankful I have some memory of who he was or tried to be?
death of an absent father
I called him my sperm donor of a father because he never was a real father to me. He made phone calls with promises of spending time with me and I'd spend all day waiting then he never showed. Every once in a while he would show up but I'd spend the day with my cousin who is a few years older than me or with my grandmother who clearly didn't want me around and he'd come back in time to take me back to my mom. He never paid child support. He showed up for maybe a couple of my birthdays.
He didn't care when I graduated high school. I told him 11 years ago he was going to be a grandfather. We talked by phone twice and that was the last I heard from him. He said he would be there once my son was born but of course he wasn't. He wasn't at my wedding, wasn't around for the birth of my children. No birthday wishes or Christmas cards. No more phone calls but there were no more broken promises either.
When I got the call today that he had passed in his sleep over the weekend I wasn't sure how I felt or what I was supposed to be feeling. There is no etiquette book or rules on how to deal with the death of an absent parent so I'm just going with it. I wept a little and then I wrote. I wrote words he'll never get to see, feelings he won't understand but words that can help me deal.
Though he was not a part of my life for the majority of my 30 years he taught me a lot. Because of him I have never touched drugs. Because of him I knew at a young age that I wanted to be a very involved parent when/if I had children. Because of him I knew the type of man I wanted and didn't want as a husband and father to my children. Because of him I try not to make promises that I can't keep. I feel like I am a better woman because he was a crappy father and I had a mother and close family members who loved me and showed me the way.
The man who gave me life chose to not be a part of my life. I was left wondering why wasn't I good enough to be loved? Wondering if he ever missed me. Did he wonder what type of woman I had turned out to be? I don't know how he lived with himself. I wanted answers for so long but as my half sister said to me- even if we had the chance to ask questions and he could answer he probably would have lied to us anyways.
I had hoped he had learned from his mistakes but I fear he was set in his toxic ways and those ways are what finally ended his life. I always told people when I was growing up that I didn't have a dad, that I had a Papa and a Leeboy (my step dad)- which was true. Mark was no dad at all to me and Lee later married my mom years later and I spent 18 wonderful, loving years with him but he was still Lee, my step dad. I had an empty place inside that my mom and Lee just couldn't fill. Mark made mistakes in life but he had years to decide to right his wrongs but he chose not to. I am left feeling sad of how things went and turned out. Mark was a weak man. He missed out on life with me and I was damaged by the absence of him but I try not to be bitter. He missed out on me growing up and going out in to the world. He missed out on a second generation of awesome with his grandsons but he was not the type of man I wanted them to be around. They deserved better than what I had to deal with from Mark. I will work on forgiveness towards him but not sure how I will get past the regret of what could have been and the sadness of his choices but I will not continue to lock it all away anymore. I will not hide my emotional scars. I think I may go to the spreading of his ashes, not because he deserves it but for closure for myself. I feel the need to say a final goodbye to a man who chose to say goodbye to me many, many years ago.
Nancy Johnson Horn says
I'm sorry that he passed away before you got to really let him know everything in your heart.
Shanaka says
Thank you, Nancy, for your kind words.
Mike says
I have been where you are but I never had another step dad. and I never had any family to show me the way. I had to do it on my own and I just came to grips with even beginning the grieving process and my dad died 25 years ago and I had not seen him for 50 years. It really sucks and it really hurts and I don't know how to go on. I did the same thing to my son that my dad did to me
Dadless says
My father isnt dead yet but i can relate to everything you are saying. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and recently cut all ties with my father. He was never really there for me and when his wife started to make false promises to help with wutever I needed for the baby it was the last straw. Why offer help but when the time comes that i ask its another story. I've seen him raise up my half sister and the relationship they have and although I was happy for her I was also hurt that my father never cared enough about me to put in the same effort.
Debbie Gober says
So sorry for your loss. The loss of your sperm dad and the loss of what should have been. My sons have an absent father, drugs and alcohol,were his choice over his sons also. My dads father, my grandfather was an absentee father also. When he passed, my dad cried and he said it caught him off guard because he never really knew him well to actually mourn his passing. I'm sorry again for your loss of a father and the poor choices he made.
Shanaka says
Debbie, Thank you. Hopefully your sons father will change his ways before it's too late. <3
Jennifer Pitt says
I am sorry for your loss - the loss of the hope for a relationship with him, for the loss of the relationship you never had, and for the loss of the father you would never have wanted for yourself. You have him to thank, however, for the woman you are today...the attentive mother, the loving daughter. Carry that with you, instead of the pain...and yeah, easier said than done, I know. Take care of yourself XO
Shanaka says
Thank you, Jennifer. I am doing my best. Hopefully as time goes on it will get easier by the day.
Nabeelah says
Hi
I feel like you have taken everything I was thinking and put it on paper I've had the same kind of "sperm donor "and his rececently passed on and I felt that I mourned him already the years of waiting for him to love me. I don't want to cry for him, I have spilled so many tears already but I need to release all of this resentment.
E says
Thank you for writing this. We share the same basic story. My absent/addicted father died yesterday, and I too mourn the loss of the relationship that never was. When I get a little down, I sometimes wonder if there was something wrong with me. He never reached out, he was fine without knowing the woman his daughter grew up to be. He was fine with not knowing who his grandchildren are. But it has nothing to do with me. It was him, his inability to get past his addiction, that did not allow him to be a normal, decent human. I am sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone.
L says
I just saw this post and had to comment. I found out my absent father died two years ago. We had almost no contact (his choice) but it still hit hard. I know exactly how you feel. I am not mourning him but I mourn his choices that affected me. It is this weird lingering sadness - a slight heaviness that makes me feel uncomfortable, but with no sense of loss. There is also a sense of relief too that a painful chapter of my life is closed. Like you said, I am just going with it.
Molly says
I know what you are going through, my absent father passed away last night of a long battle of Cancer. My mother never re married after she left my father when I was 12. My grandfather (my mom's dad) took on the role of my dad when Jim wasn't around. I have memories of his drinking and verbal abuse, he was never physically towards me but he was towards my mom and older brother. Jim did end up re marrying. My grandfather passed away in July of 01 of cancer. I always searched for unconditional love and approval from Jim, and now I am numb that he is gone and do miss some the good times we did have together even though there wasn't many.. I have also been crying on and off too as well...
Brandy says
Wow. I am just now going through this EXACT situation. My father passed 3 days ago in a house fire. He was an alcoholic and struggled with a drug addiction. He stopped calling and coming to get me for weekend visits when I was 12 or 13. I am now 30. I broke down in tears reading this. When I got the call he had passed, I cried. Then I felt ridiculous for crying. I almost felt like I didn’t have the right to feel sad since he chose to not be a part of my life. I completely understand what you went through. I will never have the option of reaching out to him or trying to start a relationship with him. It’s not his presence that I miss...it’s the relationship we didn’t have that haunts me. Reading this helped solidify my feelings. Thank you for sharing your story.
Indra says
Thank you for sharing this. I am losing my absent father that was there for the first 6 years but had every form of abuse by my father. Now I am the one that is putting him on hospice. Alcohol and tobacco was he Life. I have always waiting for the sorry and now I know I will never get that.
Amy says
Thank you for sharing your story. My father was mostly absentee, if not physically, then emotionally. He died a few hours ago after a painful battle with cancer. I am relieved that his physical body is out of pain and no longer suffering. I pray that he will go towards the Light. I wonder if he will be able to forgive himself for the ways he failed his children. I hope that he is surrounded by warmth, light, love, with angels to guide him.
JJD says
As I sit here crying, I am confused as to why. I just found out an hour ago that my “Old Man” (always hated this phrase) died a few weeks ago. He hasn’t been in my life for more than 30 years. My beautiful, amazing children ages 31, 26 and 19 never met him. So this is it. This is the day I always wondered how I would handle. I really didn’t think I would shed a tear. But I sit here sobbing.
Sam says
Thank you for your words....xx
Just yesturday....2018....i was told of my *dads* Passing in 2011..... Ill though i hadnt seen or spoke to him sence i was 3...but i remember alot about him.
I found him by accident when i was 43.
We lived on opposite sides of the country....but i just had to call him...
Im the youngest of 11 kids from 4 wives.
In thinking....he was 80 then...only 2 of the kids would even bother with him...i thought maybe he had mellowed an almost excepting of life.... I did it!!
I called him...he asked Why i was bothering him.....stunned!!!!
i apologized and asked for a siblings #...again he asked Why bother them.
I said thank you for always being there and hung up and cried for hours.
I went next door to my moms en step dads house..(I got my Pop at 15)...
Now...at 43yrs old i trot in and sat on my step pops lap and cried on his shoulder..
I told him he was the very best of dads.
He never asked what was happening....he just held me...
My pops passing broke my heart but
I sit here today with damp eyes for the DAD that could have... Thank you for the perspective...
I
Sam says
Thank you for your words....xx
Just yesturday....2018....i was told of my *dads* Passing in 2011..... Ill though i hadnt seen or spoke to him sence i was 3...but i remember alot about him.
I found him by accident when i was 43.
We lived on opposite sides of the country....but i just had to call him...
Im the youngest of 11 kids from 4 wives.
In thinking....he was 80 then...only 2 of the kids would even bother with him...i thought maybe he had mellowed an almost excepting of life.... I did it!!
I called him...he asked Why i was bothering him.....stunned!!!!
i apologized and asked for a siblings #...again he asked Why bother them.
I said thank you for always being there and hung up and cried for hours.
I went next door to my moms en step dads house..(I got my Pop at 15)...
Now...at 43yrs old i trot in and sat on my step pops lap and cried on his shoulder..
I told him he was the very best of dads.
He never asked what was happening....he just held me...
My pops passing broke my heart but
I sit here today with damp eyes for the DAD that could have been.. Thank you for the perspective...
TANYA JOHNS says
I am 35 years, I just met my dad when I turned 35 and im shy of 5 mths to be 36. I heard stories of him from my mom, bad ones with maybe 1 or 2 nice ones... I had my Uncles who loved me in his absence and my grandmother. But, I never seen my dad. He left when I was 3 mths old... When I found him I wasnt looking for him but for my Uncles through FB and they said we found your dad!! I swear I thought he was dead all these years and he was ALIVE!! He wasnt doing well but I still wanted to speak to him, see him HEAR HIS VOICE. I got the chance to video chat with him although his speech was so bad and needed my uncles to translate. I never had the chance to talk to him alone and never thought to ask why didnt you look for me... I didnt think it was a good time with him so sick so I left it alone... On Oct 3 2018 I got a call from my family I just met to tell me they were sorry about my dad, you see he had passed away and I didnt even know yet. I never thought I would cry or feel sad but I feel really sad at times. I dont have one pic with us and held on to ONE PICTURE of him my mom gave me as a little girl. I will be attending his funeral this weekend and this is our 1st time meeting... Meeting this way, which makes me more sad. I just got married and now im pregnant heading to my dads funeral to say hello then goodbye. This is hard and I thought I would hate him but I forgive him. I hope he is forgiven and made it into heaven. I worry for his soul. He wasnt perfect but he was my dad. I love you Dad, thank you for coming into my life still <3
Lora says
Thank you
This is absolutely beautifully put
I too will now see it was a blessing of his absence
badnight says
I have not seen my father in over 40 years. He has now contacted me, he is hospice.
He wants me to call him or give him my number. I have been emailing him. I really don't want to talk to him. I am a 60 year old male and I am still trying to figure life out.
Shanaka says
Badnight, I get it, I really do. What brought about the reconnection? Will you continue to email? If my bio dad had reached out to me I don't know that I would have given him that opportunity. I would like to think that I would but selfishly it would have been for closure for myself, not him.